When Love is Euthanasia

Here For the Last Walk and Purr

To all of us who have gone through this agony-and will again

She is still so beautiful.

Too beautiful for this room.

Her eyes are open—

not seeing, not sleeping,

just there,

holding the last light

This is the last time. But was it the right time?

A day too soon? A day too late?

My body knows before my mind does.

I’m dizzy... The chill deepens

Time slows, stops

“Stay,” says my heart!

“No—go,” says my mind. It’s too much for you, you cannot bear it

“Wait

No—don’t leave her,” echoes, again and again.

Her fur is still warm.

Her shape the same.

Everything looks like her-

and nothing is.

“Say goodbye.”

But “goodbye” does not come.

It sticks in my throat!

How can I leave her?

My forehead to hers.

My breath to her breath.

My tears into her fur.

Forgive me.

I cannot stay without breaking.

I cannot go without shattering.

The world tilts.

I turn.

I stop.

I turn again.

My hand reaches back

for what is no longer mine to hold.

It’s done!

And then—

the tearing.

The violence of heartbreak.

Not loud. Just final.

I leave her.

And I am left.

Outside,

Cars pass.

People laugh.

Life moves forward.

If there is a place where love goes,

please let her be there.

If I can be there, please, please let me.

There is a mercy,

please let it hold her.

I cannot. In this world anyway

I walk away.

But I don’t leave.

No!

Not ever.

Poem by

Rev. Kaleel Sakakeeny